Violet all grown up

While the oompa-loompa's were able to extract the blueberry juice, Violet's life remained touched by the ordeal. Her later years were marked by extreme obession with the color purple and a profound identity crisis, of which to this day she has never truly recovered.

Childhood Lesson

C'est ma niece. Elle est un pacquet de joie:

While some might call this cruel, my favorite past time with this little ragamuffin is to play a game involving the coveted ceramic bunny that once decorated my parent's lawn and now sits atop their counter for safety purposes. It suffers from an injured ear due to childish zealous. As said ragamuffin desperately reaches for the creature that is miles from her little fingers and looks at me with a longing deep and pure, I kindly hand her the toy that has been labeled "off-limits". Moments later I easily remove the bunny from her possession. To my delight, the offending action yields her husky, sonorous protest of "my bunny". I'm quite sure that her mellifluous, two-year old voice can inspire wars to stop, bring grown men to tears, cleanse the souls of the vile, purge evil from the wicked, and solve some of the bigger scientific mysteries. Besides, it's not really her bunny.

*Disclaimer: Narrator's hands are washed of any permanent psychological damage this game may have or will cause in subject.

Chez Canada = Fine Dining

Canada, O' Canada la maison de poutine (home of the poutine):


Gap in joy and unabashed love, little children, at the 8th wonder of the world. Montreal presents this soup-like delicacy of french fries, gravy and what else but cheese curds. No mere chef but a wizard of awesome power must have scrapped together the innards of every lardo's unfinished midnight snack and lumped together this fantastic dish. Texas attempted to one-up Canada with the fried Twinkie, but our Canuk friends of the North have gone above and beyond the normal requisite for ingenious cuisine. Perhaps this dish is a biological response to the bitter cold the Canuk's suffer through every long and horrible winter. Over time a genetic mutation has programmed the recipe into the minds of Canadian restaurateurs. This hot meal is sure to pack on more than a few pounds of insulation and is best accompanied by a cold one and eaten during a hockey game. Bon appetite!

*Disclaimer: Making fun of Canada is a national past time.

Carnivorous Roommates

Les camarades (roommates):

Frank est plus grande que Sally*.

There are chance occurrences in nature when the male roommate, most often alpha male and of an obscenely tall stature, selects a member of the opposite sex as a living companion to emphasize their physical endowment. If said petite roommate out lasts her usefulness, tall roommate will use her carrion as rations in freak instances of avalanche or Apocalypse. Quiet now, let's observe...

*Disclaimer: Les noms ont change proteger le innocent.

War on Terror...THE GAME!

Les joueurs (the players):

The narrator

The instigator

The one to beat

The lamb (led to slaughter)

The corrupting evil

The last stand

Les regles (the rules):

According to the website and creators "Everyone starts with the best intentions. Then things start to get cramped. Then you notice your neighbour has more oil than you. Before long, war is waged, nukes are dropped, revolutions are fought and terrorists are doing your dirty work, before turning on you...This is the War on Terror, the board game: A quality board game for 2 - 6 players, lovingly illustrated and politically correct (in a very literal sense). Playing it will bring out the nastiest, greediest, darkest, most paranoid aspects of your character. It's all great family fun."

While this game might be fun for the whole family, little Timmy or Suzy should best avoid one of the necessary game pieces: spirits.

L'histoire (the story):

On a cold, winter's night in Nebraska, six eminent Lincolnites gathered to battle the forces of evil (namely themselves) and compete for world domination by controlling the oil supply. What started out as a battle of wits and stratergery quickly diminished into a frantic rush to join the insurgents and to bomb the hell out of all that is pure and good. Once South America was nuked and the seeming strong-hold toppled, the transition from men of morals to terrorists hungry for blood and power was fast and fierce. Before long a four-on-two game of baseness vs. innocence (as well as men vs. women) developed and the axis-of-good's waning morals gave way to WMD's and psychological pressure (not to mention torture). In the end, the axis-of-evil was triumphant.

Les points culminant (the high-lights):

Buckley's Rise

Buckley's Fall

The world before it crumpled under the insurgent's strike

What it's all about: Money and Deception

Artillery and foreboding

I use this game as yet another example of how, if left to their own devices, men will ultimately choose to maim and pillage. While women, because of some genetic predisposition, or perhaps inherit good, will opt to help those less fortunate than themselves, i.e. the little guys.

*Disclaimer: Statements may be based on less-than scientific evidence.

Porn and a haircut

Pour mon premiere post, je voudrais te montre cet photo.

This Lincoln barber shop has managed to combine the innocence of the 1950's with the hedonism of the MTV era. For two bits (or today's equivalent) one can enjoy a pleasant afternoon regaling your local coiffeur while oogling women's breasts in the latest Playboy. Nothing compliments that satisfying sensation of snipped hair better than sexual arousal. Larry Flynt would be proud of what I hope is a nascent trend.

*Disclaimer: Information based on small town gossip.